12 Hilarious Peter Griffin Quotes About Real Life & Love Experiences


Everything is going great and then… life happens.

It would have  been a very tough life if it wasn’t for Peter Griffin to explain how things should be done.

Peter Griffin stands out from the other Family guy characters with his special mental framework: he applies a unique set of  rules when it comes to family, work, friendships, and it seems like whatever he does always turns out well for him.

1.Interviewer: [Peter is at a job interview] So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years?

Peter Griffin: [thinks] Don’t say doin’ your wife, don’t say doin’ your wife…

[out loud]

Peter Griffin: Doin’ your, er…

[sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son]

Peter Griffin: … son?

[interviewer’s shocked expression]

2. Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.

3. Peter Griffin: What’s wrong, Stewie, don’t you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.

[Flashbacks to one year ago]

Peter Griffin: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it.

4. Peter Griffin: [in Sunday School with several children during story time] And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven

[children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing]

Peter Griffin: Nah, I’m just jackin’ ya, you’ll all rot in the ground.

[children look horrified]

5. Peter Griffin: [trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up] It’s the fabric, It’s the fabric. Let’s get your clothes off.

[takes off Cleveland’s shirt and pants]

Cleveland: Peter, what is wrong with you? I’m naked.

Peter Griffin: Oh, god you’re self-conscious

[Peter takes off his shirt and pants too]

Peter Griffin: See, now you’re not alone.

6. Peter Griffin: At least they don’t put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.

6. Peter Griffin: I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art.


Peter Griffin: Am I… am I supposed to draw the penis?

Peter Griffin: Then I tried sculpting.


Peter Griffin: Am I… am I supposed to sculpt the penis?

Peter Griffin: Then I tried music.


Peter Griffin: Am I… am I supposed to conduct with my penis?

7. Peter Griffin: Lois you know my rule, You are only allowed to sleep with three people besides me, Gene Simmons, John Schneider or Boba Fett.

Boba Fett: All right! Goodbye virginity!

8. [Peter is talking in his sleep]

Peter Griffin: Oh, Jenny… ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don’t stop… Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass.

9. Peter Griffin: Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

10. Peter Griffin: Well, fine. Until you put ‘Gumbel 2 Gumbel’ back on the air, I’m going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?”

[brief pause]

Peter Griffin: You gonna eat that stapler?

Network executive: Mr. Griffin, you can’t eat a…

Peter Griffin: Wanna split it?

11. Peter Griffin: What do you expect me to do with all these great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that’s what soap is for Lois.

12. Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.