Canadian moms: Your people-pleasing habits shape your tween’s future relationships. By setting healthy boundaries, you’re teaching critical life skills. The “Sorry Syndrome” reinforces harmful patterns, but modeling self-respect helps your daughter develop confidence and strong boundaries of her own.
That instinct to apologize when someone bumps into you at the grocery store? Your tween is noticing. The way you exhaust yourself fulfilling everyone else's requests while putting your own needs last? She's internalizing that too. As mothers, we often don't realize how our people-pleasing habits are silently teaching our daughters to devalue themselves, says Demi Dee, founder and CEO of The Knockout Room®.
Breaking the cycle of people-pleasing isn't just about improving your own mental health—it's about preventing your daughter from spending decades unlearning these same destructive patterns.
People-pleasing might seem harmless on the surface—after all, being helpful and kind are considered positive traits.. But there's a critical difference between genuine kindness and the compulsive need to put everyone else's needs before your own. This distinction becomes even more important when you're raising a tween who's watching your every move.
Cultural emphasis on courtesy can sometimes cross into harmful territory. Do you find yourself apologizing automatically, even when you've done nothing wrong? This excessive politeness often masks deeper people-pleasing tendencies that go beyond simple good manners. Moms frequently feel this pressure intensified. Our society celebrates maternal sacrifice, creating an expectation that "good mothers" should always put their children, partners, and others before themselves. This cultural pressure makes it particularly difficult to recognize when healthy helpfulness has morphed into harmful self-neglect.
Have you noticed your tween daughter already apologizing excessively? Perhaps she's reluctant to voice her opinions or constantly seeks approval before making decisions? These behaviors aren't coincidental—they're reflections of what she's learning by watching you navigate relationships.
Tweens are at a critical developmental stage where they're actively forming their identity and understanding of relationships. Your daughter doesn't just listen to what you say; she observes how you handle yourself in various situations. When she sees you consistently putting yourself last, she learns that this is what's expected of women and girls.
Your tween is forming crucial ideas about relationships during these pivotal years. When she watches you consistently put yourself last, she's learning a dangerous lesson: that her value lies in serving others, even at her own expense. But when she observes you setting healthy boundaries and honoring your own needs, she gains permission to do the same.
One of the most powerful gifts you can give your daughter isn't another sacrifice on your part—it's showing her what self-respect looks like in action. Each time you politely decline an unreasonable request or carve out time for your own well-being, you're providing her with a template for her future relationships.
The toll of constant people-pleasing extends beyond simple exhaustion. Mothers who habitually put everyone else first often experience significant mental health challenges, including:
These consequences don't just affect you—they impact your entire family system. Your tween is especially vulnerable to absorbing these patterns, potentially setting her up for similar struggles as she matures.
Research consistently shows that children develop self-confidence largely through observing their parents' behaviors. When your tween daughter sees you respecting your own boundaries, she learns that she deserves respect too. Conversely, when she watches you consistently sacrifice your needs, she may conclude that her worth is tied to what she does for others rather than who she is.
For girls entering adolescence, this lesson is particularly critical. In a culture that often equates female worth with selflessness and accommodation, seeing mom stand firm in her self-worth provides a powerful counter-narrative that can protect her developing sense of self.
Practice phrases like, "I appreciate you thinking of me, and I won't be able to take that on," or "That doesn't work for me, and thank you for understanding." No elaborate explanations required—"No" is a complete sentence.
When your tween is watching, narrate your thought process occasionally: "I'd love to help with that bake sale, but I've already committed to other things this week, and I need to honor those commitments—including my commitment to my own wellbeing."
Block off time in your calendar for self-care activities just as you would for your daughter's hockey practice or dentist appointment. Whether it's a 30-minute walk, a coffee with friends, or an exercise class, treat these appointments with yourself as non-negotiable. When your tween sees you prioritizing your wellbeing, she learns that self-care isn't selfish—it's essential.
Try saying: "Saturday morning is my yoga time. I'm a better mom when I take care of my body and mind, so this is important for our whole family."
Involve your tween in establishing family boundaries that respect everyone's needs. This might include designated quiet times, knocking before entering bedrooms, or tech-free dinner rules. By creating these systems together, you teach your daughter that everyone's boundaries matter—including her own.
A practical example: Create a visual "availability chart" for your home office door if you work remotely: green means "come in anytime," yellow means "only if it's important," and red means "please wait unless it's an emergency."
Notice when your people-pleasing tendencies flare up most intensely. Is it with certain people, like your parents or in-laws? In specific situations, such as school volunteering? Once you recognize your triggers, you can prepare boundary statements in advance rather than defaulting to automatic "yes" responses.
For many moms, community involvement triggers people-pleasing. Remember: contributing to your community is valuable, but you don't need to chair every committee to be a good citizen or role model.
Develop ready-to-use responses for situations where you frequently feel pressured to please others. For the PTA volunteer coordinator: "I can contribute two hours per month to school activities. Beyond that, my schedule is committed." For the neighbor who always asks for last-minute childcare: "I need at least 24 hours' notice to consider childcare requests."
Write these scripts down and practice them until they feel natural. Your tween will notice how you handle these situations with confidence rather than anxiety.
The "sorry reflex" is real, but it can undermine your boundaries. Practice replacing unnecessary apologies with statements of fact: Instead of "I'm so sorry, but I can't make it to your dinner party," try "I won't be able to attend, and I hope you have a wonderful time."
This subtle shift teaches your daughter that having preferences and limitations isn't something that requires apology or shame.
When you successfully maintain a boundary, share your pride with your daughter. "You know, I really wanted to say yes to organizing that fundraiser because I was worried about disappointing people, but I honored my limits instead, and it feels good to respect my own needs."
Even better, celebrate when your tween sets her own healthy boundaries. This positive reinforcement helps solidify the value of self-advocacy in her developing mind.
When your tween uses the classic "everyone else is allowed" argument, you have a perfect opportunity to discuss boundaries. Try: "Different families have different boundaries based on their values and circumstances. In our family, we've decided this boundary is important because... What do you think about that?"
This approach shows respect for her opinions while still maintaining your parental boundaries, modeling how to navigate disagreements with respect.
Tween friendship dynamics can be intense. When your daughter comes home upset about social exclusion or peer pressure, help her identify where her boundaries were crossed and practice responses that maintain her self-respect:
"What would happen if you told Sophia you don't feel comfortable gossiping about other friends?"
"Let's practice ways you can say no to activities that make you uncomfortable without worrying about being rejected."
These conversations help her develop the language and courage to advocate for herself in challenging social situations.
Gradually give your tween opportunities to set and enforce her own boundaries in age-appropriate ways. This might include:
By allowing her to practice these skills now, with your guidance, you're preparing her for the more complex boundary challenges of adolescence and adulthood.
Breaking the people-pleasing cycle isn't just about improving your life today—it's about changing the trajectory for generations of women in your family. Every time you honor your needs, express a different opinion, or decline an obligation that doesn't serve you, you're rewriting the script for your daughter's future.
Imagine your tween growing into a young woman who knows her worth isn't tied to the constant accommodation of others. Picture her in relationships where she expects mutual respect, in workplaces where she advocates for her values, and eventually, perhaps, as a mother who models healthy boundaries for her own children.
This generational impact begins with the choices you make today. It may feel uncomfortable at first to break the people-pleasing patterns so deeply ingrained in many women, but the discomfort is temporary. The legacy of confidence and self-respect you're creating will endure for generations.
The Knockout Room® helps mothers break free from people-pleasing so they can model strength and self-respect, laying the foundation for daughters to grow into confident, empowered women.
