13 Insanely Hilarious Courtroom Quotations That Will Make You Laugh

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Determined to prove their position in court, people often miss seeing the big picture and making sense in general. As a result, they often lead to some very funny or even embarrassing statements.

Here are a couple of real courtroom quotations from official court records that can make any witness or lawyer feel awkward.

1. How was your first marriage terminated?

  • Lawyer: “Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?”
  • Witness: “By death.”
  • Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

 

2. What is your date of birth? 

  • Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”
  • Witness: “July 15th.”
  • Lawyer: “What year?”
  • Witness: “Every year.”

3. What gear were you in?

  • Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
  • Witness: “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”

4. But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

  • Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
  • Witness: “No.”
  • Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
  • Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
  • Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
  • Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

5.  Did he kill you?

  • Lawyer: “What happened then?”
  • Witness: “He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'”
  • Lawyer: “Did he kill you?”
  • Witness: “No.”

6.  And you took your new wife?

  • Lawyer: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
  • Witness: “I went to Europe, sir.”
  • Lawyer: “And you took your new wife?”

7. What were you doing at that time?

  • Lawyer: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
  • Witness: “I’ll be three months on November 8.”
  • Lawyer: “Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?”
  • Witness: “Yes.”
  • Lawyer: “What were you doing at that time?”

8. How many were boys?

  • Lawyer: “She had three children, right?”
  • Witness: “Yes.”
  • Lawyer: “How many were boys?”
  • Witness: “None.”
  • Lawyer: “Were there girls?”

9. He was dead at that time, is that correct?

  • Lawyer: “Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?”
  • Witness: “It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm.”
  • Lawyer: “And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?”

10. Did you ever stay all night with this man?

  • Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?”
  • Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
  • Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?”
  • Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
  • Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?”
  • Witness: “No.”

11. Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice?

  • Lawyer: “Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
  • Witness: “No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”

12. How old are you?

  • Lawyer: “And lastly, Lacey, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?”
  • Witness: “Oral.”
  • Lawyer: “How old are you?”
  • Witness: “Oral.”

13. And where was his head?

  • Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”
  • Witness: “I could see his head.”
  • Lawyer: “And where was his head?”
  • Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”

 

 

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